Register & Vote — The CSF Wire

Whoever finishes last does this, on camera, and it lives on this website permanently. Majority wins and it is binding. Not voting counts as a vote for whichever option is leading, so do not be cute.

The Ringtone

His ringtone and his text tone are chosen by the league and stay on his phone for thirty days. No silent mode, no vibrate — the phone stays audible in public. In meetings. At the doctor. At his kid's game. Any owner may call at any time to verify, and they will.

Cruelty 9/10 • Free, runs 30 days, and strangers get to witness it B

The Voicemail

His outgoing voicemail greeting is written by the champion and stays live for thirty days. Not a joke line — his actual number. Every recruiter, every dentist confirming an appointment, his mother. The league verifies by calling him, and the recording goes on this website.

Cruelty 9/10 • Zero cost, maximum collateral damage C

Banner Of Shame

His face and his final record become a permanent banner across the top of chicagosportsfans.com for the entire following season. Every owner sees it every time they check the standings, the ballot or the prop board. For a year.

Cruelty 8/10 • Runs the full season, on the site you're reading D

The Malört Toast

On video, one continuous take, he reads a toast written by the champion — all of it, word for word — and then takes a shot of Malört. If he flinches, gags or breaks character, he does it again. The final cut is posted on this website permanently.

Cruelty 8/10 • Costs $8, over in 90 seconds, on the record forever

The commissioner is in the pool like everybody else. There is no exemption, and if he finishes tenth he pays it in front of all of you.

Register, Vote, And Put Your Name On It

The Only Form The Wire Will Ever Ask You To Fill Out

The Ringtone

The Voicemail

Banner Of Shame

The Malört Toast